


Ashtray

by MelancholyPills



Category: Gorillaz
Genre: Child Abuse, Child Sexual Abuse, Implied Sexual Abuse, Murdoc's childhood is shit, Physical Abuse, Poverty, also on my tumblr, kid Murdoc
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-08-20 06:14:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16550489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelancholyPills/pseuds/MelancholyPills
Summary: Murdoc's childhood was not very pleasant. He hated home and school equally, his only friend was a bird, and it didn't seem it was getting better any time soon.





	1. Chapter 1

“Oh, hello again,” the child greeted as he exited the filthy house. A mess of scraggly jet black feathers fluttered to his side with a squawk. He swore it was the same bird everyday. “It can’t talk, you know,” Hannibal commented condescendingly, shoving his way past the younger. Murdoc just rolled his eyes, muttering a mockery of his brother’s remark just below his breath-it was too early to argue. “It's Monday, again,” he said with a yawn, “you coming to school with me?” The raven wasn't going to answer, he knew that, but it was nice to have someone to talk to. He adjusted the satchel that was slung across his shoulder and made a vain attempt to smooth his crumpled uniform shirt before starting down the path, turning back to make sure the bird was following him. “What's with you anyway?” he asked curiously, throwing a glance over his shoulder. The bird seemed to always be nearby somehow, always following Murdoc whenever he left the house. Murdoc fiddled with the clasps on his worn bag, unsure of where to take the ‘conversation.’ “Too bad you can't go in with me,” he said with a sigh, “that would be...fun.” The school wasn't too far from his house, something he considered both a blessing and a curse, and he had reached the gates far too soon. “Well, goodbye for now” he told the bird, wishing for more time with his only friend, “see ya after?” As always, there was no response from the other, but Murdoc took it as a ‘yes.’ 

As expected, the raven was there when Murdoc exited school-the child sporting a noticeable bruise on his forehead. “Tony Chopper,” he explained, motioning to it, “bloody sod.” The bird hopped forward, pressing itself against Murdoc's leg in what might have been an attempt at comfort. “Hey, what's that about? It ain't the worst I been hurt, ya know.” He bent down and lightly scratched the raven’s head, smiling slightly. “I’m fine. I'm pretty tough. And one day I'll prove it, I’ll show Tony!” he rattled confidently, standing back up and pumping one fist into the air for added emphasis. He glanced around, making sure today wasn't one of the rare days Hannibal decided to walk him home, before heading off in the opposite direction of his house. “Come on, we’re going this way today,” he told the bird. He didn't particularly feel like going straight home-if he could even call it that-most days, but he especially didn't after dealing with Tony and his crew today. 

Quite a ways away, was an old, abandoned park. The playground equipment was decrepit, and would likely collapse if anyone actually tried to use it. The benches had been gnawed by termites and possibly other pests, but Murdoc considered it paradise compared to his house. The young child pulled himself onto the bench of a picnic table, patting the spot beside him to invite the bird to join him. The corvid hopped up, practically on the kid’s lap, and Murdoc gently scratched his head, an action that comforted them both. “Hey, look,” he began, pulling a paper out of his bag, “I got a hundred on this test!” he declared proudly. “I don't think the old cow believed me when I told her I didn't cheat, but that's something I actually don't need to lie about. Who would she think I was cheatin’ off anyway, half the class failed,” he continued, slightly bitter. He replaced the paper before rubbing the new bruise. As he said before, this wasn't the worst injury he’d had, but it still stung quite a bit. The raven cawed softly, tilting his head to the side. “I told you, I’m fine.” 

A few hours later and Murdoc had decided to head home. As much as he despised the place, he figured sleeping in his bed would be somewhat more comfortable than sleeping on the bench. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he whispered to the raven, petting it on the head. He entered the dilapidated house to find Sebastian passed out on the couch, a scantily clad woman splayed underneath him, equally unconscious. It was a different woman than the one who had stayed the weekend, Murdoc noted. Women tended to come and go in the household: after all, how many could stomach Sebastian Niccals for more than one night? Murdoc could vaguely remember a woman who had stayed for over a month-what had went through her head was beyond him. He couldn't recall her name-it was something with an ‘M,’ he was sure-and her face was nothing more than a distant blur, but he remembered her voice. He remembered her carrying him around on her hip, singing melodically while she tried to actually fix up the house. Murdoc didn't blame her for leaving, he knew she wasn't getting treated any better than him, but he sometimes he still felt resentment at her leaving him behind. If she had taken him with her, maybe he wouldn't be constantly hungry and wouldn't be always dodging someone's fist. 

Sebastian being asleep meant an opportunity to grab food and that was an opportunity Murdoc knew he couldn't afford to miss. He took another glance at the couch, making sure the bodies weren't stirring, and tiptoed into the kitchen. Counter, empty. Fridge, littered with alcohol. Pantry, a mostly eaten bag of crisps. Murdoc swiped the crisps and a bottle of beer-it was his ‘performances’ that paid for most of the booze in the house anyway-before making his way upstairs. Slowly, quietly. He hated how loud the steps were and he cringed at every creak the ancient wood gave as he headed up to his room, fearful of the beast on the couch rousing at the noise. As he ascended further, he heard the familiar music of Hannibal’s record player. He froze in place automatically, his heart racing. If Hannibal saw him...But if he risked another journey to the kitchen, Sebastian might hear him and wake up and that would be even worse. The child took in a breath, then, fearing for his life, climbed the stairs as silently as possible.

He didn't get to keep the crisps. He wasn't sure who had found them, all he knew was that they were gone in the morning and Sebastian had been furious. “You deserved it,” Hannibal commented once they were out of the house, that smug smile still on his face. “Shut up,” Murdoc mumbled, doing his best not to cry out of pain. He sat down on the sidewalk, his back to his brother, and looked up at the sky, waiting for that raven to show up again. Hannibal lit a cigarette, tossing an unlit one at Murdoc, and took a long drag. “How am I supposed to light this?” the younger demanded. “Stop complaining unless you want me to add another mark to ya,” Hannibal snapped, flicking ash in Murdoc's direction. The child gently placed his thumb on the fresh burn, dangerously close to yesterday's bruise, and nearly recoiled in pain. The older of the two bent down to pick up the unlit cig, being sure to flick Murdoc as he did, and placed it back in the pack. “Ain't wasting one on an ungrateful bum like you,” he said, sauntering off and leaving Murdoc alone on the sidewalk. The child pulled his knees to his chest and put his head down, refusing to leave the spot without his friend despite his desire to just get out of this place. A few minutes went by before something plopped at Murdoc's feet, causing him to uncurl himself. There was the bird, cocking its head, and next to him was a dead mouse. “I think you dropped something,” the kid said, nudging the mouse toward his companion with his foot. The raven responded by nudging it back, much to the younger’s annoyance. He stood up with a groan, kicking the dead animal away from him once again. “Eat your breakfast already,” he mumbled to the confused creature, who cawed softly. It made no attempt to eat the mouse.


	2. Chapter 2

“Do you think I could just not show up today? We could just go to that park?” Murdoc asked the bird that was hopping alongside him. He would rather not go to school today, not when he had such an obvious mark, and his house was risky on the best of days but especially when Sebastian was already in a foul mood. Tony would be even worse than usual today, he knew-that's always how it was when he came to school with a noticeable injury. “But I still need to eat I guess. And we're almost there anyway,” he added to himself. “Oh wonderful,” he mumbled upon spotting a familiar face near the school gates. “Tony,” he spat, motioning towards the other child with his head, trying to signal to the bird which one he was out of the crowd. “Bye for now,” he said to the raven as he glumly approached the school entrance, shoving his right hand in his pocket. Maybe, if he was lucky, he could get inside the building without incident. His hopes were dashed when Tony grabbed him by the arm, tugging his hand out of his pocket, and smirked at the sight. As Murdoc tried to get out of the grip, one of the cronies pushed back his messy bangs, revealing further damage. “Might as well stick a label on ya, one that says ‘Ashtray.’”

“Shut up!” Murdoc whined, struggling to get away. He’d think of a good comeback later, for now getting out of this situation was more important. He had been doing well at holding back his tears earlier, but now they were brimming. “What, gonna cry about it, Faceache?” Tony mocked, his grin getting wider. The taller of the two opened his mouth for more insults, only to be interrupted by a particularly loud caw. The group of kids looked down, spotting the raven at Murdoc's side. The child smiled, suddenly feeling much safer with his friend near him. “Shoo!” Tony commanded, kicking his foot at it. Murdoc hissed aggressively even though the bird easily evaded. It flew upwards, giving Tony a sharp peck on his nose, which caused the kid to yelp and finally release his hostage. The bird decided it wasn't done, giving the kid a few more rapid pecks as he attempted to bat the creature away from him. Murdoc knew he would pay for it later, but he couldn't help but laugh at the sight.

~~~~~~~~~~the next month~~~~~~~~~~

Murdoc's ninth birthday had come and gone, with only the bird seeming to remember-he had gifted the child with a single cracker. The small portion hadn't bothered him-it was food after all, and it was far better than the previous years’ presents of worms. In the days since, things at home had actually been all right. Sebastian hadn't been home much and Hannibal had been leaving him alone for the most part, giving the others at school no reason to call him ‘Ashtray.’ Of course, Tony still found a way to pick on him nearly everyday, but still, the current circumstances had given him a boost of confidence. “I’m going to do something big today!” he announced to the raven as they walked down the path, an excited grin spread across his face. “I told you I would prove I was tough, and today I’m gonna do it. You won't get to see it, but I’ll tell ya how it goes, okay?” He could've sworn the bird nodded at him. 

The dinner lady was new, he noticed. She went through the line of kids quickly, barely looking up, until it was Murdoc's turn-he was the last in line. She eyed him up and down, nibbling her bottom lip. Something about the way she was looking at him made him slightly uncomfortable. “You're so skinny!” she observed, causing the child to look down at himself despite knowing it was true. “How about some extra?” she asked. Murdoc nodded enthusiastically and the woman giggled. “You're such a cutie.” ‘That's a lie,’ the younger thought to himself as the woman piled up his tray. She handed it back to him before reaching her hand out to pet his hair, causing him to flinch away instinctively. He found a spot to sit, by himself, and shoveled the food into his mouth as fast as possible, keeping his eyes on his target. Once he had finished-feeling full for the first time in his life-he approached Tony’s table, walking with confidence. “What do you want, runt?” the larger kid demanded, not at all put off by Murdoc's grin. “You're always telling me what's wrong with me. I came to return the favor,” he replied. Before Tony could respond, he let loose the words he’d been holding in. “You're a useless, bloated, backward waste of space who would probably get a job holding up ‘For Sale’ signs on the street only to get himself fired and replaced by a bucket of soil. That's what I came to say.” Tony was clearly livid, though whether it was from the insult itself or the fact that his victim had decided to fight back, Murdoc wasn't sure. He rose from his chair, his face red, and down came his fist.

“Worth it,” was all Murdoc said to the bird when he left school with his nose twisted and dotted with dried blood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus ends chapter 2  
> Again, comment appreciated


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this is where the rape warning comes in  
> The actual act isn't shown, but it is clear what happened and what leads up to it is shown

The new dinner lady continued to give Murdoc special treatment, always giving him extra servings for no charge, and he wouldn't say he wasn't grateful, even if he wished she would stop trying to touch him. She smiled as he walked up to her today, reaching out towards his head again. As always, he ducked and her smile faltered. “I’m not going to hit you, you know.” The child grunted in reply, pushing his tray towards her. “Actually, Murdoc, why don't you come back here today? I’ve got some better food in the back,” she said, motioning for him to follow her. “C-can I take some home?” he asked cautiously, eyes darting to and fro. She had to have figured out by now how little he was fed at home. “Of course, just come with me.” The child did as he was told, the promise of food he could keep too tempting to resist. But, he knew something was wrong when she locked the door behind them. “Huh?” He squeaked. The woman grabbed his wrist forcefully with one hand, pulling him closer to her, and traced his lips with her other hand. “Wh-what are you doing?” he asked nervously, his heart pounding. He didn't know what was going on, but he knew he needed to get out of here. “Shh,” she scolded, the usual calm smile gone from her face. Her hands were on the buttons of his blazer, her mouth was forcing itself onto his. He struggled out of the grip, holding his blazer closed and panting from the effort it took to breathe, only for his wrist to be snagged before he could make it to the door. “Let go!” he yelped, flailing in an attempt to get away. “Let me go!” He was begging now, but he didn't care. He just wanted to leave. She covered his mouth with her other hand, muffling his protests. “Shut up!” she commanded, anger flashing in her eyes. Murdoc was trembling now as he tried desperately to get away. She pulled him to her, removing her hand from his mouth. “Keep quiet unless you want me to gag you,” she snapped, tugging his blazer off of him and starting work on his tie. The small child whimpered, wondering what had happened to the dinner lady he knew. What was she going to do to him now and why was she insisting on taking his clothes off? He kicked at the woman's legs, punched and pushed at her with his free hand, tried to free his wrist, anything to get away. But no matter how much he fought, she wouldn't let him go.

He left school as fast as he could that day, only pausing for a moment to make sure the ever loyal bird was following him. Once he made it to the park, he sat down on the bench and held his head in his hands. The raven fluttered up on the table, cawing and tilting its head in concern. He could still feel her hands on him, could still feel the marks her teeth had left on his neck, could still smell her scent. Murdoc scooped up the bird, holding it in his lap and burying his face in its feathers, shaking as he let the tears fall. 

He stayed in that position for hours, the bird snuggling into his chest, still shaking and gasping after the tears ran out. He didn't move until he felt a tug on his arm. He flinched away from the touch and tried to bat the unknown person away with his other hand, barely registering that it was dark out now. “Get up, you little twat, Dad wants ya,” Hannibal snapped. Of course it was Hannibal, who else would it be? “I ain't goin’.” Murdoc looked down, folding his hands over his chest. “Dad’s already about to beat your ass, do you want to make it worse?” the elder replied, his annoyance obvious. The raven’s wings were fluttering, its caws beginning to grow loud. Hannibal eyed Murdoc, seeming to finally notice the state he was in. “That Choppah kid?” “Wasn't a fight,” Murdoc whispered, almost having to force the words out. The bird hopped up onto the table, its volume increasing even further. “Shut that thing up!” Hannibal snapped, attempting to shoo the corvid away. “You can go. I’ll be okay,” the younger mumbled, his lie obvious. He still refused to move, pulling his knees to his chest once again. His brother groaned, yanking the child by his arm and practically dragging him away.

“If it wasn't a fight, what was it?” Hannibal demanded, still keeping a death grip on his little brother's arm. Murdoc stared at the ground, staying silent. He didn't even know what had happened to him, and describing it to Hannibal would surely be a cause for mockery or worse. “Answer me, runt,” the older snapped, digging his nails into the other’s arm. “Why do you care?” Murdoc mumbled, he’d been having trouble speaking since… “I don't care. I just want to know what the hell you got yourself into to get that messed up” Hannibal scoffed in response. “I didn't…” Murdoc trailed off. Usually he’d have no problem mouthing off his brother, but today he wasn't willing to risk any more pain. Hannibal gasped and yanked Murdoc's arm harshly, bringing the young boy nearer and sending him into a near panic. The child struggled desperately, the contact reminding him far too much of what had happened only a few hours ago. The teen took at a close look at his brother's neck, his suspicions confirmed. “Shit!” he exclaimed, releasing his grip quickly and causing Murdoc to fall to the ground. “How did an ugly creep like you score before I did!?” The younger boy grunted before getting up and forcing himself to walk forward, hoping to lose Hannibal along the way. Unfortunately for him, Hannibal's legs were longer and he easily caught up. “What's your problem? Was she ugly or somethin’?”


	4. Chapter 4

Despite his attempt to get home quickly, Murdoc found himself dreading opening the door. “The longer the wait, the worse it’ll be,” Hannibal grumbled, shambling up the steps to the front door. The younger snubbed his cigarette-that had been the one good thing that came out of walking with Hannibal-out on his jacket before tossing it over his shoulder. Steeling his nerves, he entered the house, the sounds of glass and shouting filling his ears.

There in the kitchen stood Sebastian Niccals, clearly drunk and in a rage, a broken bottle hanging loose in his hand and a cigarette dangling from his lips. Murdoc couldn't make out what he was saying, but he could tell it was nothing positive. Head hanging, he walked forward, a sense of dread overcoming him as he tried to be as quiet as possible. Hannibal stood at the stairs, a handprint visible on his cheek. He kept a neutral expression but he watched his little brother very closely. “Murdoc? Is that you?” Shit. It seemed he hadn't been as quiet as he hoped. “Uh huh,” the child squeaked, trembling and frozen in his spot. He tried not to look at the cigarette. He knew what was coming. “Where have you been you little sod? You had a performance today!” Sebastian shouted, drunkenly stumbling over to his younger son. His heart hammered when he heard those words. “I-I forgot,” he stammered, his eyes downcast. That earned a slap. He didn’t flinch at all this time. This was easy. How long until…? His hair was grabbed roughly, yanking him forward. “I lost money thanks to you!” his father yelled, and this time Murdoc did cringe. “We coulda eaten like kings ya know.” Lies. He’s lying. The prize for these performances wasn’t nearly enough to provide for the household and it rarely went anywhere but Sebastian’s drinking habit anyway. “I’m sorry!” the child yelped, looking up briefly only to return his gaze to the floor when he saw Sebastian’s expression. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Hannibal sneak up the stairs. “That’s all you’ve got to say? You’ve gone and ruined everything and you can’t even make a good excuse.” Murdoc couldn’t hold back his scream as his father’s cigarette made contact with his skin. 

He shambled up to his room after his father had finally decided he was done. Trying to pick the glass out of his arm, he sat down on his worn out bed and noticed a plaster that had been placed on it. It wasn't nearly enough to stop the blood flow, but it was something.

He was only somewhat surprised to find the bird waiting for him outside despite that school had begun hours ago. Murdoc bent down to be eye to eye with the small creature. “Hey,” he greeted, “didn’t mean to be late. How long have you been out here?” The raven squawked, hobbling over to the young boy and nuzzling up to his leg. “What, did you miss me or something?” the boy asked lightly. He smiles but it doesn’t reached his red-rimmed eyes. He hadn’t managed to fall asleep until early morning and even then it had been restless, torn apart by shadowy figures. “Come on,” he mumbles, lifting the creature into his arms. When Murdoc started down his path, away from the school, the bird began to flap its wings, as if trying to take the child there. “No, we ain't going there today,” he denied. His stomach growled and he cringed, ducking his head down momentarily as the raven squawked in concern. “I’m fine,” the young boy insisted, “been worse than this.” That was only half a lie, he supposed. He wavered down the cracked sidewalk on shaking legs, not quite sure of his destination, just knowing he couldn’t stomach school currently.

He walked, without a destination in mind, past collapsing houses and cheap businesses that should’ve closed down decades ago until he eventually reached a convenience store. His stomach spoke again and he couldn’t resist the temptation to at least try to peek inside. He scurried to the glass door, the corvid flapping behind him all the way. Murdoc put his face to the door, his eyes widening when he saw it all. “There’s food here!” he whispered in awe, turning to face his friend. “There’s food here and I’m hun-I want some,” he refused to admit how desperate he was, “you know what that means, yeah?” He nodded at the bird who tilted its head back before heading inside, telling the raven he’d be back later. “Oh hello! Can I help you with anything?” the cashier, a young woman, asked from behind the counter. He shook his head, eyeing her warily, before heading into the aisles. ‘It’s just like nabbing lunch money. Just like taking Dad’s alcohol-actually probably easier than that one,’ he told himself as he surveyed the aisles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh look an update


	5. Chapter 5

“Hey kid,” the cashier called out, “shouldn’t you be in school?” Murdoc pretended not to hear her, and not to be scared by the fact that she could still see him. As he made his way deeper into the aisle, his head filled itself with frantic thoughts. ‘There’s no one else here,’ he registered, suddenly wondering if the woman planned to...do something to him. ‘Not all women are like that, Dad brings home plenty, you know that. But they get their fill with Dad!' His thoughts last night and Hannibal's’ comment had lead to him realizing that what had been done to him was what all those women did with Sebastian, how could anyone enjoy that? She didn’t.’ He halted at the mention of her, even it was only internal. ‘She didn’t hit you or do anything with Sebastian.’ “She left,” he mumbled out loud. “She said she was going to take me with her…” He stopped when he realized his wandering had almost lead him directly into a shelf. Where had those thoughts come from anyway? He looked up at the shelf in front of him, well-stocked with crisps. Surely they wouldn’t notice if just one was taken. Checking to make sure the cashier could no longer see him, he took a deep breath and reached for the bag closest to him. Stuffing it in his bag, he headed for the door, being as inconspicuous as he could manage. “Bye kid!” the cashier called out, sounding much farther away to Murdoc than she actually was. 

Once outside, he picked up the raven and started his journey anew. “I got it!” he declared proudly, “Now we just gotta find a place to eat where no one will try to take it from us.” He realized he had no idea what part of town they were in and held his friend closer, his eyes narrowing. He walked quickly through the uneven street, passing by a few a homeless people and a woman who embarrassedly attempted to hide her exposed cleavage when she heard him shudder-he wasn’t ready for a sight like that anytime soon. He briefly wondered if she was someone Sebastian had “visited” before stepping up his pace, desperation rising. It was getting difficult to run, his breath coming out in pants and his legs becoming so tired he could hardly make them move, but he kept on until he found an empty area in a dead grass patch and collapsed. The raven nuzzled the child once again, who tore open the crisps bag with an unmatched eagerness. He desperately devoured the crisps, his first taste of food in nearly three days, as the bird fluttered up and took a spot on the boy’s head. “Do you want one?” he asked, holding up a crisp to the raven despite the persistent pain in his stomach. When the crisp wasn't taken in under a minute, Murdoc crunched it down quickly. He made quick work of the contents of the small bag, not missing a single crumb, only to remain mostly unsatisfied. He supposed he should have been used to hunger and the pains that came with it, but somehow it still hurt worse than any of his bruises or burns. He crossed his arms over his stomach, feeling rather frustrated with himself for not being full enough to stop the pangs. 

They stayed in the abandoned part of town, with Murdoc talking about his plans of becoming a bassist-he would find a bass somehow-, until the sun began to set. “Shit!” the kid exclaimed, pushing himself onto his feet. Even if he hated home, he would rather be in a familiar hell at night than completely lost in and open for anyone to snatch. How long had he walked today? How far was he from his house? Was he even in Stoke anymore? “Um, do you have any idea where the house is?” he asked the bird even though he knew it couldn't answer. He trekked in the direction he came from, wishing he had paid more attention earlier and had thought about landmarks. The raven hopped slightly in front of him, motioning one wing as if telling Murdoc to follow it. The kid shrugged, deciding it was better than going completely blind. “It’s almost time for summer holidays,” he told the creature, “so hopefully we’ll be seeing a lot of each other…” he trailed off, not wanting to imagine the other possibilities. Summer was an escape from one prison, but not from the other. Sebastian would have more opportunities to come after him, and he would likely find even more new ways to torment him. But, at least he would be away from teachers and Tony and...the lunch lady. He shivered at the thought of her, checking around to make sure no one was following him. His suspicion only doubled when the duo passed by the same set of homeless people and the exposed woman from earlier, who was once again closed her jacket around herself. But this time, she decided to actually approach him. “Hey there kid,” she said, a soft smile playing on her lips. She had the assets of someone who could make plenty off of herself being her only wares, but she was a skeletal thing, her hair was unkempt, and her eyes were sad and tired. Those eyes...like her, like ‘M.’ “Are you lost?” she asked and he was pulled out of his trance. He bolted away from her and the rest of the street’s inhabitants, not willing to take this risk. Internally, he screamed at himself for almost making such a stupid mistake. He could’ve been kidnapped or killed or...He shook his head, clearing the thoughts from it and reminding himself that none of those things had actually happened and that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That woman Murdoc thinks about is based around him mentioning in the Session Obsession audio that his "mum" used to sing while cleaning the house, with him on her hip. This can be interpreted as either Muds lying or that he got close enough to a woman to call her his mom, so I went with the latter


	6. Chapter 6

The stars were high in the sky by the time he reached home. “Goodnight again,” he said to the raven as he slowly approached the front door. He could only hope that Sebastian wouldn't be awake. “It's past midnight you little shit!” He wasn't so lucky and Sebastian was standing just inside the doorway. He was grabbed roughly by his arm and dragged up the stairs, into his own room. So the torture tonight wouldn't be as physical, he figured. He was proven only slightly wrong when Sebastian flung him into the nearest wall. “Where the hell were you you useless shitstain! You were supposed to clean the kitchen.” Murdoc certainly hadn't been informed of that, but he didn't respond nonetheless. Sebastian pulled the child’s hair harshly, sneering in disgust when several strands were ripped out. “Where were you?” he repeated, emphasizing every word. “I went for a walk,” the kid replied quietly. Sebastian yanked the boy’s head forward before slamming him into the wall again, causing him to flinch in pain. “That's not even your uniform, did your walk last the whole bloody day?” “I-I woke up late and I just walked around,” Murdoc answered in a whisper, his eyes focused on the dirty floor. “You’re a fucking lazy twat, sleeping in, skipping school, actin’ like you ain’t gotta do nothing around the house. You’re lucky I need drinking money or you’d be out on the street,” Sebastian spat, tightening his grip and dragging the child to the bookshelf. Murdoc cringed slightly. These weren’t normal children’s books, these were Sebastian’s books. Tales of young kids going to Hell, or being brutally murdered or tortured. He used to tell Murdoc this books were true and that any of these figures could take him at a moment’s notice, and for a long time he had believed that. He wasn’t sure whether his wariness of strangers and almost everyone else stemmed from those books or simply from being Sebastian’s kid. “Paddington Goes to Hell” was pulled from the shelf and the older man turned around to face Murdoc fully again. “I think you need a reminder of what happens to kids who walk alone at night,” he growled. Murdoc shook his head, a bit ashamed that these books could still terrify him, but he would rather not cry himself to sleep again. Fury evident on his face, Sebastian smacked the child hard across the head, hitting the most recent burn and several old bruises. “It wasn’t a question.”

 

The book was even more horrifyingly violent than Murdoc remembered, thanks to Sebastian adding in several gory details, and he ends up sobbing quietly into the early hours of the morning, an experience he has the feeling he needs to get used to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's incredibly short  
> And ik Paddington is a bear, it's just Sebastian being a dick


	7. Chapter 7

He slept until the afternoon again, waking up already shaking with fear. He removed himself from the bed, his legs wobbling, as he hoped desperately that Sebastian was out of the house now. Not bothering to change out of yesterday’s clothes, he made his way quietly down the stairs, hugging the wall to avoid the creakiest of the steps. Fortunately, the downstairs was completely empty and he managed to leave the house without any further injuries, though his heart was still pounding. As expected, the raven was waiting for him outside, flapping its wings when he appeared through the door. “Hey,” Murdoc said with a smile, “I’m late again. Sorry about that,” he mumbled tiredly, rubbing his red-rimmed eyes. The bird flew upwards, energetically pulling at Murdoc’s sleeve with its beak. “I’m not going to school today,” the boy insisted monotonously. “It’s already,” he paused, realizing he had no idea what time it actually was beyond ‘afternoon,’ “late,” he decided, but the corvid kept up its activities. “Are you trying to take me to school? Squawk once for no, twice for yes,” the child mumbled. When the bird responded only once, he started moving in the direction it was attempting to pull him-this creature was someone he knew he could trust after all.

As promised, Murdoc wasn’t lead to his school, but rather the park he and the raven so often visited. A fewer more steps and a closer survey revealed what the bird had been trying to show him and he rushed for the picnic table upon spotting it. A barely eaten sleeve of crackers sat on the table, waiting to be eaten. The boy quickly ripped open the sleeve the rest of the way, shoveling the crackers into his mouth as fast as he could. They were gone quicker than he realized and he frowned slightly when the hunger pangs still refused to leave, but he pet the bird who was now sitting next to him and managed a genuine smile after a while. True, he’d barely had anything the last few days, and nothing at all for almost three of them, but at least he’d been fed something now. “Did you really find those just for me?” he asked, to which the bird replied with two squawks. He scooped the bird into his lap, running his fingers through its feathers. “Summer holidays are coming up,” he mumbled after a while. Murdoc didn’t have particularly strong feeling towards summer, school wasn’t a safe haven, but this year he might actually look forward to them, at least slightly. At least the dinn-her-at least she wouldn’t be near him then. He shuddered at the thought of having to so much as be in the same building as her again. Maybe he could just never go back? But school was his primary source of food. Then again, he’d managed to survive the previous holidays, so he could survive on his own, right? Sure, it would be hell, and he’d be hungry and hurt until the day he left Sebastian’s house, but how different would that be compared to where he already was? “Or,” he muttered out loud, “I could run away. With you of course,” he added when the bird looked up at him. “We could do that! Hop a train or somethin,’ live like thieves. I already know I can steal, and I don’t think this was your bag of cracker, so we’re all set, really.” He’d thought about running away before, of course, but he’d never actually tried to plan it or to go through with it. He took a moment to consider whether he needed anything from home, which really just amounted to hand-me-down clothes that were in bad shape when Hannibal first got them and alcohol-he had stuck a pack of fags in his bag already-and practically jumped off the bench when he decided he didn’t. “Come on! Let’s go find a train!”

The pair were several neighborhoods over when they found a train station, and the next one didn’t come for another two hours. “Hmm,” Murdoc grumbled, contemplating what they could do that wouldn’t get them caught or too far from the station to make it back in time. “Hey, you gotta be hungry too,” he told the bird, “let’s go see what grub we can find,” he decided, only for his hopes to be quelled when he saw a police officer heading towards him.


	8. Chapter 8

“Hello son,” the officer greeted, smiling down at Murdoc. The child rolled his eyes: he wasn’t falling for that trick. “Murdoc Niccals, right?” Instead of answering, Murdoc grabbed the bird and took off running. He was quick, he had to be living where did, but he wasn’t sure he could outrun a policeman. He scurried up the station’s stairs, managing to at least make it that far without being caught. Once he had returned to the surface, he turned onto the first street he saw, hoping to deter the policeman from his path. Somewhere in the background, the officer was calling out to him, telling him to stop running. But that only made him run faster. He continued to turn down random streets, though he never could quite throw the man off his trail, until he turned the wrong way and ended up in an alley. He spun on his heel, intending to make another dash, only to to find himself face to face with the officer. “Kid, it’s okay,” he said, “you’re not in any trouble.” Murdoc’s only response was to take a step back and hold the raven closer to himself. “Your father’s worried sick about you.” “No, he’s not,” the child mumbled, “he just wants his drinking money, is all.” The officer smiled gently, kneeling to be at Murdoc’s eye level. “Now, surely that’s not true.” The young boy rolled his eyes, backing away further. Everyone in the neighborhood knew what slime Sebastian Niccals was, who was this officer? “What kind of father-” the policeman asked, his tone similar the one Murdoc had occasionally used for younger children. “Mine,” he replied bitterly. Would trying to dash past the officer be too risky or would he be fast enough to make it? “Kiddo, you can stop playing this little game now, your dad’s so worried.” Murdoc scoffed, folding his arms over his chest as the raven migrated to his shoulder. “Come on, kid, he’s nearby.” Murdoc felt his eyes widen as he backed another step, touching the wall. There was nowhere left to go. “No,” he mumbled. The officer stood up, tilting his head and motioning to someone in the distance. ‘Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit,’ seemed to be the only thought Murdoc’s panicked brain could register as the person he feared most rounded the corner. 

“Murdoc, what are you doing all the way out here?” Sebastian asked in mock concern. The young boy didn’t answer that, not sure what he could say that wouldn’t lead to more pain when he was dragged back home. “Thank you officer, you can go now.” Murdoc had never heard Sebastian say “thank you” in his life. “A-are you sure?” the policeman asked in surprise, flitting his gaze between the two. “Yes, I’d like for it to just be me and my son.” The cop didn’t seem to catch the glare the older man threw his child, nor Murdoc’s trembling. “Well, yes sir, right away sir,” the officer rambled, walking off and crushing any hope of temporary safety the young boy had. As soon as he was out of earshot, Sebastian stalked toward Murdoc, stopping mere inches from him. As the boy’s knees knocked together, the bird still held in his hands began to screech. “Tell that oily sky rat of yours to fuck off!” He demanded. “Go,” Murdoc whispered to his companion before lowering his arms. It did fly, but, rather than flee the scene, it tried to claw at the older man’s face. While normally Murdoc would fully encourage the raven sticking up for him, this wasn’t Tony, this was Sebastian, and Sebastian wouldn’t hesitate to snap its bones if it made Murdoc miserable. “Go!” Murdoc repeated, much more frantic this time, as Sebastian swatted at the creature. It seemed to sense Murdoc’s distress and, with one final scratch, perched itself on a high rooftop. Murdoc hoped it’d escaped Sebastian’s line of sight. Sebastian’s grubby mitts clasped onto Murdoc’s shoulders. “Now, go on then, are you gonna tell me what nonsense you were up to?” He slammed Murdoc into the alley wall before he could answer and the boy’s vision spotted. ‘Don’t scream, don’t cry.’ He yanked the boy’s arm, his sharp nails digging into Murdoc’s skin, enough to draw droplets of blood, and tugged him out of the alley. “You disgusting, ungrateful creature. Shoulda dropped you in the river the second I laid eyes on you.” Murdoc felt his throat tighten, but didn’t respond. “Instead, I make sacrifices to put a roof over your head, and you go and pull this shit.” Sebastian craned his neck to look at his son, “You really are a mishap, boy.” The child hung his head, doing his best to hold his tongue. It wasn’t like these tirades were uncommon, wasn’t like Murdoc didn’t know full well his father never wanted him, but still every time it left him somewhere between wanting to toss back an insult just as nasty and wanting to ask why Sebastian hated him so much. “You got anything to say for yourself?” he demanded, his grip on the boy briefly tightening. He threw the kid to the ground when no response came, his face scraping against the pavement. “You’d better think of one ‘fore we get home,” he snapped, his eyes narrowing as he drags the kid to his feet. 

The first slap happened before the door was even opened. “We’re home, what’s your bloody excuse?” Sebastian demanded, it not sounding like a question, as he shoved Murdoc through the door. The boy couldn't see himself at the moment, but he was sure he had a handprint on his cheek now. “Well?” Sebastian spat. “I…” Murdoc shook his head slightly, unable to say. “Answer me, mutt.” “...I was gonna run away,” Murdoc whispered, barely audible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every time I write Sebastian, I want to hit him


	9. Chapter 9

“I got that, imbecile. For what? Gonna leave your poor father wondering where on earth his son could be?” “Like you’d care,” the boy muttered, regretting it immediately. “What was that, boy?” Murdoc clasped a hand over his mouth, trembling even further. With a grunt, the older man shoved the boy to the floor. “Don’t move,” he barked. The child obeyed, his breathing becoming uneven as he waited for his father’s return. Glancing around the house, he spotted his ever loyal companion; the raven was perched on the sill of a broken window, busted ages ago. He wanted to run to it, wanted to escape to his winged kindred spirit. But that would mean disobeying and Sebastian was already livid.

 

Murdoc's heart was hammering as his father's boots dragged down the hall. He put a finger to his lips, hoping the bird would understand, and did his best to brace himself. He squeezed his eyes shut and pulled his knees up to his chest, as if that could somehow protect him. But that illusion was quickly shattered when a blunt object clobbered the back of his skull. He puffed out a sharp breath as the agony trickled down his spine, and his head jerked up of its own accord. A glass bottle rolled beside him. So that’s what it was. “Now, go on. Grab it and bring it here,” Sebastian commanded. Murdoc crawled to the bottle, slowly and shakily rising to his feet, almost falling back down as soon as he stood up. “Come on, hurry it up!” Sebastian snapped. Murdoc hesitated before trekking towards his father, who was drumming his fingers impatiently against his leg. Retrieving the weapon Sebastian had chucked at him was the last thing the child wanted to do, but he knew he had no say in the matter unless he wanted far worse to come. Once the boy had hobbled close enough, Sebastian yanked him by the front of his shirt, and wrenched the bottle from him. The impact was felt again but this time the force was enough to shatter it. Murdoc yelped, his legs giving out from under him. If his father hadn't been holding his shirt, he surely would have crumpled to the ground. Thin streams of blood trailed down from his scalp as Sebastian plucked a fairly-sized shard of glass from the child’s unruly hair. He let go and Murdoc dropped to the ground with a squeal, wincing. Before Sebastian closed on him, he saw the bird out of the corner of his eye, now perched inside the shoddy excuse for a dining room, observing silently. Sebastian didn’t seem to notice. There were only seconds of relief before Sebastian plunged the shard into the child’s leg, twisting it as he continued to push it deeper. Murdoc covered his mouth once more. Don't scream. Don't cry. Don't scream. Don't cry. He wasn't sure how much longer he could listen to his mantra. He bit down on his knuckles to keep from making noise as the torture continued. He felt every movement the object made, no matter how slight. Every twist felt like a fresh stab. Finally, finally, Sebastian decided he was done. He pulled the boy to his feet and began dragging him down the hall. Murdoc glanced behind him, quickly so as to not get caught, and saw the raven hobbling after them. “Huh?” the trembling child squeaked when they passed the stairs. The only response that he got was a swift smack. He decided against asking where they were going.

 

Sebastian grunted as he lifted up the creaking basement door, revealing nothing but rotting stairs and darkness. Without a word, the man pushed Murdoc down the stairs, a black mass fluttering past him as he tumbled. The door slammed shut, and Murdoc heard it lock. From his seat at the middle step, he reached out his arms into the near pitch black, calling softly, hoping to find the bird somewhere. “Where are ya, buddy?” Sure enough, the sound of flapping feathers scattered throughout the basement, and the corvid placed itself on the boy’s shoulder. Hugging the wall, the child made his gradual descent down the stairs, hoping the floorboards wouldn’t give way underneath him, though his skinny frame made that unlikely. He hissed in agony when he realized how hard it was to move with glass still in his skin. After the arduous trek, wherein he had almost collapsed three times-whether it was out of hunger, pain, or exhaustion he didn’t know-he slumped onto the damp floor of the basement and tried to pick the glass out of his hair and scalp. He smiled when he felt the bird clamber around his head and remove a piece. “Er, thanks for, uh, tagging along,” Murdoc whispered, trying to stay quiet just in case. “You really didn’t have to.” The raven took no heed and continued toiling at the boy’s hair, sifting through the unkempt mass, preening it. With the raven’s help, what glass they could gather was gone soon enough. Just the one bigger shard jammed in his leg remained. He began to tug at it, only to slice his fingers in the effort. He recoiled instantly, scrambling backwards as if this was a problem he could run from. When his hands weren’t shaking so much, he went to try again, only for the bird to land beside him and pull the shard out himself. A small clinking sound confirmed it had been thrown into the same pile as all the rest. The boy shifted away from the pile, enough so that he wouldn’t end up running into it by accident, and laid down, pulling the bird close to him. “Hey, d’you know those stories... ‘bout the bogeyman?” he asked the bird, softly. “My dad used to tell me that this... bogeyman guy would take bad kids away from...wherever and torture ‘em a whole bunch.” He paused, letting the words hang in the air. “But...I think he might really be the bogeyman. I mean, I guess I am a pretty bad kid. Least that's what he says. And my teachers, too. And...just about everyone. So, maybe I fucked up real bad, and the bogeyman took me away, and I just haven't been good enough for him to let me go. And now I think I fucked up so bad he’ll never let me go.” The bird nuzzled itself into Murdoc's side, as if to offer the young boy comfort. “D’you think we’ll ever get outta here?” The corvid squawked twice and Murdoc almost smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Think I've finally pitched Sebastian into irredeemable territory
> 
> And, if you recall, it's two squawks for 'yes'


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm not dead!

Murdoc woke up to the sound of the raven squawking, though he didn't remember falling asleep. “Shh!” he whispered frantically, “You're gonna get us in trouble!” To Murdoc’s horror, the bird took no note of his distress and simply continued its ear splitting alarm. “Shut up, shh, quiet!” He felt his heart leap into his throat when shuffling sounded from upstairs. As the bird’s cries grew louder, he reached for the creature, pulling it to him and trying to cover its beak. As soon as the door was unlatched, the corvid stopped its shrieking and Murdoc buried his face in its feathers. He was surely in for it now. “Murdoc?” The child poked his head up when the voice wasn't the one he expected. Hannibal made his way down the stairs, a look Murdoc couldn't read etched onto his face. “How long have you been down here?” he asked, eyeing the disheveled child’s injuries. “What time is it?” he replied with a shrug, trying to figure out his brother's goal. “Eight. Morning. Bloody hell happened?” So he'd only been locked up for the night. “Dad roughed me up and threw me down here, obviously.” Hannibal glanced at the pile of glass, raising an eyebrow. “Well, the door’s open, no sense in staying down here.” After gently placing the raven on the floor beside him, Murdoc shakily rose to a standing position, leaning against the wall to avoid putting weight on his bad leg. “How'd your damn bird get in here?” his brother questioned, glaring down at the animal. “Window,” Murdoc replied curtly. The bird tilted its head as Murdoc shakily made his way towards the stairs. “Where the hell have you been the last two days?” Hannibal demanded, watching the younger closely. “Out,” Murdoc replied curtly. “Christ, you’re walking slow,” the elder grumbled, making his way downwards and putting an arm around his brother’s waist with an exaggerated sigh. 

Once the two Niccals boys and the raven had made it back to the first floor, Murdoc collapsed, his stomach growling painfully. “Don’t be so pathetic, we’re always hungry in this shithole,” Hannibal commented, though his voice lacked its usual venom. After a long silence, the taller spoke up again. “When was the last time ya ate?” “Had some crackers yesterday, crisps day before,” Murdoc replied weakly. “Idiot! Are you so thick you won’t even get a full meal at school?” Hannibal shouted, his voice tinged with concern. “I’m not going into the cafeteria! I’m not!” the youngest yelped, his bird squawking in accompaniment. “Fuck’s gotten into you?” Hannibal asked, though he didn’t press the issue any further.

“Murdoc, where have you been the last few days?” the teacher demanded as the child trekked his way into the classroom. “You should be grateful I decided to grace you with my presence at all!” he snapped, sitting in his chair and throwing his bag onto the table with a ‘thud.’ “What’s up with the limp dipshit?” Tony sneered, turned in his seat to face the smaller boy. “Got a broken leg to go with your nose?” “I've made you cry before, I can do it again!” Murdoc growled, banging his fists on the desk. “Boys!” the teacher snapped, smacking her ruler against her hand. “Be quiet or you're both going to be in trouble.” Tony turned back around and Murdoc rolled his eyes, the slightest hint of jealousy rising when he considered that Tony seemed to actually think the ruler hurt enough to be a punishment. 

“Oi, shut yer trap, would ya!” Murdoc heard the familiar voice and phrase of his brother followed by a harsh squawk as he left school. Hannibal had placed a hand on his hip, his other arm hidden behind his back, glaring down at the bird that stood across from him. “Hannibal?” Murdoc asked in bewilderment as he approached the elder. “Hey, ya cheeky bugger,” the taller responded, shooting the corvid one last dirty look. “What’re you doing here?” Murdoc demanded, pulling himself up to his toes in an attempted power display. He stumbled in surprise when a bag from a nearby diner was shoved into his arms. Not willing to believe it, he peeled open the bag and gasped aloud when a basket of fish and chips revealed itself. He looked up at his brother and soured his expression. “What’s the catch?” he asked. Hannibal wouldn’t be this kind without wanting something, the kid wasn't that naive. “Look, if you die, Dad could get locked up. I’m just trying to stay off the streets, so eat the fuck up before you starve to death,” Hannibal replied, sauntering off. The kid and the corvid waited for him to disappear. “Sweet! Come on!” Murdoc commanded the bird that was now hobbling up to him, before heading towards the abandoned park, already shoveling the contents into his mouth.

**Author's Note:**

> I finally got an ao3 account  
> This fic is also on my Tumblr henrythespider  
> Comments appreciated folks


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